Interventions
"Judge not a thing to suck or suck not, lest ye be judged.  Suck first or suck not atall for a fortnight of suckness is upon us!"

In a departure, the only one ever as a matter of fact, from the serious business here at the All Suck Review of telling the world how much suck a suck thing actually has - I'm going to tell you about a thing that doesn't suck. Well...as I'm typing this, I think I'm starting to cognate on the fact that depending upon the perspective from which to take what is about to be written (which is currently trapped in my head leaking out like a drippy water faucet at 3 O'clock in the morning slowly driving you insane), it may actually suck after all.

I mean, if you look at it from the perspective of being normal (and I'm not even about to digress into what "normal" actually means...yet), this thing is surely not a suck thing. It's the exact opposite of suck. It's Suck Not!! But if you approach it from the perspective of a total freaking loon - yeah....this thing could suck. I mean suck big time. Overtime suck, even. BTOT SUCK (big time over time)!

What is this thing that I trickle on about which may or may not suck? Well, from my perspective...being normal...it doesn't suck. In Loony Reality Habitats (LRHs)...that's where loony people live....it does suck. I just threw that in to clarify that I don't think that this thing may or may not suck. I fully and 100% completely think it doesn't suck. Can't suck. It's a non-suck. Now that we have that clear and I embark on the first ever non-suck writing (which sucks form the LRH perspective...remember)....what doesn't suck is...I mean are... INTERVENTIONS!

What is an Intervention, you ask? Well....I'm glad you asked. An Intervention was invented by someone who wanted to intervene on the Interventor to try and get the Interventor (or is it Interventorie?...yeah - it's Interventorie. Sorry 'bout that. I digressed a bit. Where was I? Oh yeah, Intervention definition.)

An Intervention was invented by an Interventor who wanted to intervene on an Interventorie and help said Interventorie understand that whatever it was that they were doing was tantamount to being a loon. The reality in which the Interventorie was living was looney. Thus...LRH. Looney Reality Habitats. The Interventor would get a group of family and friends and anyone who could help talk some sense into the said Loon to get them to realize that they were, in fact, quite Looney.

Now, to clarify - just because someone is a Loon (or something is a Loon), doesn't mean that it is a bad thing. Some of my best friends are Loons. Hell, I even screwed around and married a Loon once. It didn't quite work out. We were not compatible with me being so normal and she being a CWL (Crazy Witch Loon) and all. We had kids...the break up was bad - it's a terrible story that I don't want to relive and open old wounds. So I move on.

Some of my favorite movie actors are Loons too. Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Porky Pig...all Looney (in this case, it's spelled Looney^®. But I digress. Damn, I hate when I do that!).

So there is nothing inherently wrong with being a loon. It's just when the state of loonies from which a loon lives spill out from the confines of the loon habitat and into the same space time as the normal people and start to impede with normaledness is when such said looniness is a not good thing. As vernacular would have it - it sucks when that happens.

Thus.....the invention of the intervention is a non-suck thing. As it helps us normal people deal with the loons and get them either to a state of LLC (Less Loonitudinal Construct) - or puts their looney ass back in the confines of their LRH.

Granted, I've never actually participated in an intervention. Nor have I been intervented on behalf of other Normals. But I've seen it on TV and I've read about it in newspapers. If it is in the newspaper - then it has to be true...right?

Look...I guess the bottom line is this....anything that can help a looney person come to the understanding that they are, in deed and in all fact and really real reality a freakin LOON....has to not suck. It is the quintessential opposite of suck. It's the Anti-Suck.

Sorry, had to throw in a bit of script there.

So if you or anyone you know is a loon - do yourself a favor and have people around you perform one of these non-suck Interventions to help you either get out of a perpetual state of Loon Reality Habitats....or put your loony ass right back in there and understand that the boundaries of the loon world only extend so far as two feet in any direction extending from your left inverted Claptivalable Joint. As long as your loony states of living stay within that perblabulity, then the gafabuligunk that comprises the Funktiboobaly will forever be sumcluvanated.

So to the inventor of Interventions and to Interventions directly, I give them: 1 Fablaity Knarckle, 2 Coastal Bi-Hubaly Doos, 1 Kranky Fluff Marmaly Parble, and a donut!